OAKDALE

I.

Number 615. Here I Am. I walk up the wooden stoop and ring the bell. The door swings open, there stands a stout man with a square jaw and bright blue eyes, he says “Come In” I do and cross the threshold into his world. The foyer is full of coats and jackets all in their right place. He leads me up a flight of creaky stairs then a sharp right turn and there we are in his bedroom. Him: Get comfortable. I remove my shirt and pants, as I go to get my underwear he says ‘Let me’ I do and after they are on the floor he wraps me in a kiss so deep that my kneesgo jelly. As I slip he catches me, then carries me to the bed. Me: Wow. Him: I should probably get naked now. Me: Yes. I start to take his clothes off as we continue to kiss, just as I get to his underwear Him: Would you mind if I turn on some music. Me: No. He gets up and moves to the nightstand and puts the Ipod into the dock. A swell of music pours out of the speakers Me: Vivaldi? Spring. Him: Yeah, I can change it, what kind of music do you like? Me: I like everything, including classical, leave it. Him: Ok. We share a smile as  returns to me and we fall into each others eyes. The music swells again , I slip his underwear off and we sync. Every delve and crest at the behest of the music. It takes us deeper and deeper into one another. It was the best sex I’d ever had. It was the first time I made love to a complete stranger.

II.

Walking down the street, skipping  to Eryka Badu, nothing can seem to weigh me down. I have a wonderful life.  Even the bum on the side of the street seems to be grinning with  me. There’s no weight in the air today, I feel like spreading a blanket out on the sidewalk and sunbathing. This was the end of my misery as far as I was concerned. All of the pieces of my life seemed to float into their proper place just like the coats and shoes in his foyer. This day was an end to sneaking around his roommate to slip and slide in his bed, because today was the day that he moved to a new apartment just one block away from mine. You know they say the perfect partner has his own apartment and lives a block away? Well I’ve got the perfect partner.  I see us hosting tasteful dinner parties to a host of our respectable friends. On even months we’ll throw them at his place and on the odds at mine. It will be perfect.I finally skip my way to my front door and walk in the building then up the three winding flights of stairs to my door. Inside I throw off my clothes, sweaty from my walk and pick up the phone to call my man. Him: Hey Me: Hey baby, How’s the move going? Him: It’s going well. Me: Do you need any help? I’m at home now. Him: Oh no, but thanks for offering. Me: Ok well I’m here if you need me. Him: I know. I’ll call you when we’re done and we can christen my new sheets. Me: Why Sir! I thought you’d never ask. Him: You’re beautiful. Me: I only believe that cause you tell me. Him: Then I’ll never stop. Me: I’ll hold you to that. Him: You better.Ok I’ve got to go. Me: Talk to you soon. Him: Soon. We hang up. By this time the shower is hot and ready and I step in. God couldn’t sweep this grin from across my face.

III.

Ruin. When that sandcastle you spent hours constructing gets swept away by an early tide. You think as a child that you have a firm grasp on the concept. You have no idea that it could apply to you as a person. That you could feel so completely engulfed by despair, so broken and beyond repair. Thankfully we grow up and we learn these things. We learn how to properly lean against one another and how to lean against ourselves, or the nearest solid structure. If there’s ever a moment of recognition of self its during a state of ruin. You are so aware of your state that it breaks your heart all over again. That’s where I found myself when I read a letter slipped under my door on a Thursday evening. The letter read as follows:

Dear Heart,

This is not easy for me to say. In fact I don’t think anything has ever been so hard for me... I have betrayed you in the most complete sense. I took your love because I could do no other thing than love you. You are a beautiful man and I never rightly deserved you. To think of how I have betrayed you, it makes me feel so small, so very small. I am losing my footing here so bear with me. I have AIDS. I’ve had it long before I knew you and I never told you because I was afraid. Fear is a paralizing thing, fear is what kept me from telling you this face to face. Fear is what will keep me from you for the rest of my days. Well Death. I am dying. I am going away now to die. What’s more important is that you get tested and start treatment. I am so sorry Dear Heart. I know that you will want to see me but that will not be possible. I have already left the city. I am taking with me what I believe is the only thing I have left, my humanity. I couldn’t face the look on your face right now. I know that this is a lot for you to swallow and you’ll spend the rest of your life hating me but for what we had, I felt it was worth it. There’s no excuse other than I fell in love with you and I was so sure that you’d reject  me. I love you. Don’t you ever forget that I love you more than anythingvin the world. Which is why I’ve left. You deserve better. Ok. I am done . You will never be far from my heart and mind and I wish you all of the happiness in the world. I love you.

Forever Yours,

Him.

How did I let this happen? I mean I’m smarter than this. Things like this don’t happen to people like me. I help the elderly across the street, I pay my taxes, I respect every person that I come into contact with. Fuck.Just when I believe I’ve found the perfect one, life rears its right hand and bitch slaps me. There isn’t any reason to go to a doctor. I might as well just stay here and wait for the inevitable. In fact I don’t know If I’ll ever leave this apartment again. Now that’s silly, I do have to eat, but why? Why try and stop biology, can anything stop this biology? There’s no cocktail that can save me. I’m past the point of no return and I didn’t even know I’d begun the gauntlet.  Why did I let myself trust him? Did Love blind me so that I was unable to see the devil cum in me? He is  a bastard. A fucking letter under my door, the prick. Just Low. I don’t think I’ve ever been this Blue, ever. What will my Mother say? Oh does this mean I have to tell people. I won’t I’m too embarassed. In fact I dont think I’ll ever have sex again. It’s too dangerous. At least I know that somewhere he is in anguish.  Shit, this is going to hurt.

IV.

I survived. At first I denied that it was real. For weeks I told myself it was some joke that He had played on me. So to spite Him, I went out and fucked everything with a penis that stood upright (with no condom). Then I was angry, I burned everything that we had ever shared, He as luck would have it he swept our joint bank accounts clean,so I threw a brick through his  apartment's bay window. Seriously i'm still surprised I didn't get arrested. That’s when I finally went to a doctor and it all suddenly became real. I told the doctor that I’d stop having sex, I’d become a monk in Tibet, do any and every ribbon cutting ceremony at a free clinic. Anything for him not to give me antiretrovirals. Didn’t work. Then for months I didn’t leave my house. Lost my job. Hell they almost evicted me.. It wasn’t until then that I told one of my closest female friends what happend. Then the sky began to clear. She validated all my hate for Him but also convinced me that there was no productive product for it. For the sake of my sanity, I had to let it go. And I did. Now this wasn’t something that happened overnight. It took a few years, but it happened. The most important thing I learned about the whole thing was that it wasn’t my fault. Some people are just plain low and don’t care about other people and what sucks is that someone decent always gets burned. However, that fact shouldn’t deter one from ever trusting another human being, only make them that more selective of whom they trust. Did I love again? Not yet. The city is a horrible place to try and actually date someone. Everyone is a multi-tasker and you can never be sure that you’re the only person that your partner is seeing. The honest truth is that i have lost a great deal of faith in people.Though I do have faith that it will return to me, when i least expect it to.I don’t have to guess why He did what He did. I trusted him the second Vivaldi filled his bedroom. I still like to make love to classical music (of course I have sex, I’m not dead) I just don’t allow my heart to sail away from my chest so easily. Call me Cold, I say Wise. So it goes.